First week in school.... and I am freaking out. Turns out the class I was most excited about; I am not so excited about anymore. I do not know as much about building web pages as I thought. This frustrates me so much. I need to learn more. LOL guess that is why I am in class huh? Funny thing is, I sit here and think about how to begin a html code and I know how, I know what to use, where to find info if I need it. So why am I so scared? I dunno. Fear... I fear failure, I fear that it just won't be good enough. That happens!! I understand this.
Another thing going through my head is, I just want to throw in the towel, throw my hands up and say, "I GIVE UP! NO MORE!" But I cannot, I have loans, and I have already put in so much time and emotion. I want to see something I actually finish. I don't really finish a lot, like take for instance laundry. I will only have one load left to fold and then I will leave that in the dryer. Its a weird thing, I just don't understand about myself. I go running make it to 2 and a half miles and I will stop. WHY? When I can continue, and I don't have a problem with it, my body isn't fighting it. I am breathing fine, but I stop.
Funny how things in your life make you stop and say "hmmm". Gets you thinking. I mean I am just the same happy, and I am happy with my family, friends, and life in general. I get the times where I am a little frustrated, but what is life without the frustrations? To help you realize just how great everything really is. Problem I am having is getting past the frustrations. UGG.
My kids are on spring break. I love those guys they are so cute, and so smart. I love having them home. I love having them here. Right now they are at a friends house staying the night. I miss them. The house feels empty. I love being a Mom. I love being a part of their lives. I love that someday I get to see them as adults. And seeing (hopefully) how well I did at helping them grow up.
My husband is a great guy. He really is. He helps me clean, cook, and stay sane. I feel like I don't do enough for him. I have had to go to the docs alot latley. So I have been limited in doing things with him. Its sucks. I had something happen today that made me upset and he was trying so hard to help make me feel better. I want to get better at this wife thing. I want to help make everyone I love happy.
What to do? What to do?
Thats all for now, help me say some prayers to find my way.....have a good one and thanks for reading!
Amber
Its been another long while, and here I am.... update.... still in school, and still happy with my family and friends. I don't like how some things turned out with certain situations, but I understand that I can't always have things go smoothly, people won't understand everything. That is life.
My kids are in soccer, so I have to make sure that they are at their practices every day except Friday... keeps me busy. I work out in the mornings still. But due to me not getting enough sleep lately I have been so tired, and oversleeping. This has GOT TO CHANGE. I believe it is due to stress. So first thing is first, I need to stop stressing, lol.
Yesterday began my new term for school. I have English Comp II and Web Page Design. I got to say I am more excited about my web page design class than I am about the other. I am just not liking the fact that I have to write papers. I am lucky though, I have friends that will help me out with the papers, so I get a good grade. *mental note, go to classroom discussion board and write something*
I am looking forward to this Sunday Easter I want to make an attempt to go to church again, maybe start going every sunday again. I was much happier when I went to church.
I know something not cool with me.... I let people and situations get to me. Its like I forget all the other good things in my life. And all I concentrate on is the bad thing that is getting my attention. And the situation usually is not going get fixed or get better. No matter what I do.
Thus is life, I want to get better at this. Someday I will.....
Hope this finds you all having a great day! Wish me luck in getting some good sleep tonight!
Amber
There always comes a time in a person's life when they have to really think about what, or who they want to be, they have to realize what they have in their life, and what to be thankful for. I think I want to write out what my "things" are here just so I can get a good look at my life, and maybe be a little more thankful.
To start, I am married to a great guy, that for some reason finds me to be a hot item. He just can't stop hugging me and telling me he loves me, and how pretty he thinks I am. Granted, it was not ALWAYS like this, but things have gotten a lot better than before. He cooks, he cleans, and he babysits. I am a very lucky person. I need to show him more apprication.
I have 2 really good kids. They actually behave when I am not around! IMAGINE THAT! They are both so smart, and so cute. I know, I know, EVERYONE thinks this about their kids, but you know what? My kids have blonde hair, and blue eyes, and great smiles. I am thankful to have produced 2 people that I believe are better looking than me! LOL.
I am going to school, yup I am getting my education and learning stuff. I may complain that one of my teachers is a hard ass, but really I am very happy I am getting this opportunity to learn something new. When I am done I get to walk away with a degree and hopefully a better job future.
I have lost a lot of weight, God decided to let it work out to where I got the gastric bypass, and now, annnnnd now....... I am so energetic, happy, and excited at what the new day will bring. I couldn't be happier.
And finally my friends..... I have such great people in my life that TRULY care about my well being. They get mad when they see me do stupid shit, and then they call me out on it. And when I ask for advice, they give it whether it'll hurt my feelings or not. I never get to say this often, but now is a better time than any. Thank you, thank you for all that you have done, and giving me the opportunity to be in your life. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face, and laughing at my jokes even when they are corny. Thank you for answering the phone when I called you and cried cause I just could not get a good hand on my education or my sanity. Thank you for being a part of my life. I will always hold you all in my heart.
Well looks like I have a lot to be thankful for, maybe that is the reason for my eyes getting all watery right now. Being sentimental can be such a pain. But whatever...... my life is going pretty OK.
Thanks for reading.....
Amber
I don't understand people. I made a judgment on someone.... because I listened to someone else, yeah yeah I know STUPID ME!! Well, I apologized to this person over and over and over again. She said everything was all good. But then pointed out my mistake again in a blog. I am just so confused, one after another it seems I keep getting all this bad stuff put on me. I don't talk about any of my friends, or tell any ones business anymore. I just don't do it anymore. I hurt people when I did, so I stopped. Of course I had to have a lot of bad stuff happen to me before hand, but it seems that it is only human to only learn the lesson when things get super bad. And another thing, why do people have to continue to hate me when I don't even talk to them anymore, when I haven't even seen any of them for like 6 months. I don't bother them. Wow, I have been told a lot of seriously bad stuff, and none of it has got me to cry, but I am on the actual verge!! Why is this happening to me? I guess I am getting tired of being the butt of a joke, or the subject of conversation, especially when I have already made my apologies. Especially when I am told that all is forgiven. ESPECIALLY when I haven't bothered or been involved with any one of them, or that I haven't caused any problems for them. None of them know whats going on in my life, I don't know what is going on in their lives. I don't sit and talk about them.
This week has been bittersweet, I learned I lost 20 pounds so far after having been sick and in pain for 2 weeks, but to only be told some stuff that is upsetting. I don't know whether to be happy or sad right now.
It seems a person can never win, that even when you sit back and NOT talk about others, and NOT share their business with anyone that you can still get slapped in the face, and stabbed in the back. Before, a few months ago, I deserved it, I was being to arrogant, and malicious, I let things get to my head, so truthfully I needed to be taught a lesson, but right now, honestly I don't believe I deserve this.........
| You Are a Good Friend Because You're Accepting |
 No matter what a friend says or does, you try your best to understand it. And your friends feel like they can tell you anything. You don't judge. You know that friendship is a journey - with a lot of ups and downs. If you and a friend grow apart, you get over it quickly... and leave the potential for future friendship open. You tend to have many friends from many walks of life. Anyone you meet is could become a friend. In fact, you are especially interested in people who are a little different than you. Seeing life from another perspective is something you cherish. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else with their secrets You really can't be friends with: Dogmatic, stubborn people Your friendship quote: "Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes." |
| You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
I haven't written in forever!! I have had so much goin on in my head, its like I have been on this journey. To be honest with you, I am still on this journey, the thoughts and emotions I am feeling are starting to get better. Baby steps I suppose. I had to let go of some things....... which hurt the most. I don't know where to go from here now. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down with the wind blowing like crazy.
I started school, awesome.... I am having a great time, only now I am feeling like I don't want to persue my dreams with school. I need to reconnect myself. I need to continue, push forward.....*sigh*
My surgery is coming up, and I can't wait. At the same time I am nervous. Wish me luck.
Pisces is the twelfth Sign of the Zodiac, and it is also the final Sign in the Zodiacal cycle. Hence, this Sign brings together many of the characteristics of the eleven Signs that have come before it. Pisceans, however, are happiest keeping many of these qualities under wraps. These folks are selfless, spiritual and very focused on their inner journey. They also place great weight on what they are feeling. Yes, feelings define Pisceans, and it's not uncommon for them to feel their own burdens (and joys) as well as those of others. The intuition of the Pisces-born is highly-evolved. Many people associate Pisceans with dreams and secrets, and it's a fair association, since those born under this Sign feel comfortable in an illusory world.
It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisceans, a symbol which prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisceans are fluid and easy-going, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign. The fact that two fish (as opposed to one) represent the members of this Sign also speaks to the duality of Pisceans, their yin and yang sensibility. Pisceans alternate between reality and non-reality in keeping with their introspective natures; their voyage between consciousness and an unconscious dream state says much about their intuitive, almost psychic natures. For this reason, Pisceans can be hard to pin down, prompting some to call them the chameleons of the Zodiac. The Fish are happy to be considered hazy, since there's a certain sense of safety in that self-proclaimed netherworld. That said, they won't stay away for long, since one of their primary goals is to help others. Pisceans are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice which keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.
Pisces is ruled by the Planets Jupiter and Neptune. In ancient Roman mythology, Jupiter (the original ruler of Pisces) was the king of the gods, while Neptune was the ruler of the seas. When Neptune was discovered in recent times, it was attached to this Sign. The pairing of these two heavenly bodies results in some unique energies being directed toward Pisceans here on Earth. Those born under this Sign are spiritually oriented and charitable. They are compassionate, easily feeling another's pain. At times, however, Pisceans can have difficulty distinguishing fact from fantasy: they tend to get caught up in their dreams and views of how things should be. To say they wear rose-colored glasses isn't much of a stretch. Pisceans who fear that their pleas aren't being heard tend to lapse into melancholy and, worse, the kind of pessimism which leads to procrastination and lethargy. At times like this, Pisceans are well-served to take some time for themselves, the better to find their center once again. Many Pisceans also immerse themselves in the arts and other creative pursuits as a centering mechanism, and they are quite talented in these areas.
The Element associated with Pisces is Water. Those born under this Sign easily relate to the emotional and unpredictable nature of this liquid gold. Pisceans feel a great deal, and they also feel misunderstood much of the time. They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right. Even so, they revel in their compassionate and imaginative natures and love to cater to others. They can also be quite romantic, dreaming up delicious treats for their lover. Hopefully, any kindness will be reciprocated, because the Fish can certainly turn blue if they're not. Pisceans are generally gentle, easy-going folk, who are on the shy and reticent side. They are modest to the point of impracticality, often stepping up only to show their talents in painting or music. Easiest for the Fish (and still great fun) is living in their lush dream world.
More relaxation for the Fish comes in the way of sports, specifically water sports. Pisceans love to swim, and it's this easy glide in a pool or the sea which serves to alleviate much of their stress. Once their mind is at ease, the Fish are well-advised to focus on their feet, a frequent source of discomfort. Soothing comfort does come in a world colored in purple and soft white. When it comes to the game of love, Pisceans are caring and romantic and a most creative mate.
The great strength of the Pisces-born is their compassionate and charitable nature. These folks love to help others and do so in the most imaginative of ways. It's their feeling sensibility that wins people over.
I am so confused about the direction I should go.....
I am so confused
I don't know what to do.
I want my feelings to be diffused
and it seems no one has a clue
I want to change my life
make me a better person
and be someones wife
but its seems my pain has to worsen
Where do I go from here?
what does the future bring?
I have so much to fear
I have so much to sing
What things make me happy?
What things make me excited?
why do I feel so unhappy?
Why am I shortsighted?
I don't want to hurt people
I don't know who cares
I wish I could tell people
guess I will just wipe away my tears
I wish I could tell someone
I wish I could trust
I wish I could show someone
I wish I could do what I must
I don't want to let go
I know I will be happy
and then I can show
I just want to be happy
** This poem doesn't make any sense to you probably, but it makes sense to me, guess it shows just how confused I am, lol.**
Fall is here, man do I love the colors!
So I haven't written in 2 days, perhaps only cause I didn't really have anything to write. Today I do. I got the results to my skin cancer test..... fun stuff. It was pre-cancerous, so yeah I got to go back to the place for more tests next week. Fun stuff. I am bothered by it, but what can I do, its life.
Went to my therapist today, I went in, she asked me how I felt, I said actually I am not feeling anything. Is that bad? So we had to break down why I wasn't feeling anything. Turns out I am stressed out, not news to me!!
Can't wait to start school, the 10th is not coming fast enough.
Amber
