I have a job, I am enjoying it, but of course with work you have to work with people.... the unfortunate thing is you do not get to choose the people you work with or the people you will meet. I love being a photo specialist. I am enjoying the hell out of it, but I am freaking out. I wish the store would just open already so certain things will happen.
I am sitting here watching the movie "de ja vu" pretty interesting stuff. Too bad we really don't have the technology to do this, be able to go back to a certain day of a certain person to see what happened in the last few hours of whatever day. My goodness this would solve a lot of mysteries. Anyway off the subject.
I feel so overwhelmed with having to do school and work and then I get to come home to a house that is falling apart, and just when I think I am back on track... something happens to change the day, and I fall behind. I have a dream that one day I will be able to plan my kids clothes for the week, have a house that is swept and mopped, have dinners already made or at least begun... and my homework will be almost done. Yeah nice dream huh? LOL. I need to figure out a routine, but I need to get all this damn laundry folded and put away, and once I do, I will then start to do a list of chores I set a routine for, and my house will be CLLLLLLEEEEANNNNN, ahhh that would be nice. Its just so stressful to not be able to keep my shit together. I give props to all those chicks out there that can have a job, be a mom and wife, and go to school and still have the house clean and dinner started!! If you are out there and you are reading this, EMAIL ME!! I want some advice!! LOL.
Maybe sometime in the future I can hire a maid to come to my house for one day and straighten shit out, so that at least I have something to start from, and then I will be able to keep my shit clean hopefully.
A while back I was told that I had drama surrounding me, and I needed to get that away from me. At first all I thought to myself was, what the heck no I don't! But I had some things happen that opened my eyes, and I discovered that yes I do, I saw that by me trying to "help" someone that I barely know (someone that really doesn't give a shit about me), by listening to them or by trying to stand up for them I was putting myself in situations that had nothing to do with me! I learned that I needed to leave shit alone. Let things be, and if I meet someone, now, and they are always talking about "whoa is me", their life is terrible and all these people are bitches because they all hate them... I smile and say oh OK, well its time for me to go, nice talking to ya. And I never pursue a friendship with them. I don't need the negativity. I don't need to put myself in that situation with them. My friend calls it "broken sparrow" syndrome. Its pertains to those people that always have someone in their life that has something always wrong with them. Someone is always hurting them, something is never going their way.... so the people with the syndrome are always trying to help those people.
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!!!! ARGHHHH! Sorry. Its just my thoughts, written out to be a little erratic, and if you are reading this, sorry. That is what blogging/journaling is for. Its to help the writer in whatever way it helps them. Anyway I just want to say I am just pretty content with my life, and I hope things get a little less crazy with my new job. That is life though, someone out there is always adjusting to something new in their life. So here I am adjusting. I know I am gonna figure something out, that is my personality. I try to adapt to my surroundings, its something I learned being a military brat. I am sure there are people out there that were not military brats that can do this same thing.
The night is ending and I need to get some sleep, to go to work in the morning, this will be one of the few times I will ever work on a Saturday. I don't like not being home to spend time with my husband when he finally has the time off. This sucks though, I am just working tomorrow cause I am trying to make up for losing Tuesday. We need the money. My husband is working on Sunday so I lose that opportunity with him.. dammit.
Love to all have a good night, and seeeeeeeeee yaaaaaaa!!!!
A week ago I started a new set of classes. One is called Social Behaviors and the other is my Database Building. Yeah *sigh* I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Guess who decided to get a job? Yup, you guessed it, my kids... no, no I joke. I got a job, although I am happy as heck about it, at the same time I am a little sad. I am the new photo specialist at Walgreen's, I am working on training for head photo specialist. Yeah we will see how that works out.
So, here I am in a class that requires a butt ton of reading and the other wants me to build something I have no clue how to do because I have not had the time to come home and learn about it. I am so disappointed in myself. I know I can do this, but another side of me almost wants to say, why bother? Even as I write this I want to take my hands apply them to my head and pull the hair I have left from my head!
So lets break this down, I have a new job, I am attending two classes that require A LOT of my attention, my house is in shambles, my bills are paid but I still owe a lot of money, my new job is 45 minutes away and I cannot afford to gas to keep driving, and I miss my kids cause I have been working so much, my husbands division lost 4 people that left him with only one, himself, so now I NEVER see him either..... yeah that sums up most of my stress right now. Maybe to you, reader, this may not look like a lot to worry about, but to me.... I am going out of my mind!! Being a head photo person is pretty busy stuff. Not only do I print out film and pictures that people upload, I also have to print out a "to do" list from my bosses and make sure all of that is done, I have to go through the baked good isle and make sure none of it is outdated, I also have to keep everything clean, and take in DHL shipments....and AND be a cashier!!! Please don't mistake my rambling as a complaint, this is not a complaint this is a outlet for the stress I am feeling, maybe if I write down all I have to do and read it I will see its not all so bad, yeah its not working.
I am sitting here with another thought that I am choosing to not write down, but this thought is making me feel like shit. I am so angry about this "thought" that I want to scream at everyone. I want to ask why me? LOL you are reading this and thinking WTF Amber. I am still not going to say.
If you are still with me, thank you. I just reread this and its not making a whole lot of sense. Its like I am writing down my actual thoughts as they occur, and you are right. That is where my mind is. Everywhere.
Right now I am supposed to be finishing up my laundry or chores or whatever. And then I need to do my homework. Yeah that is not going to happen, at least not right now. Its hard to concentrate when you feel so damn pissed.
Well dear reader, I am going to end this writing catastrophe and put my kids to bed, its past their bed time. I am a bad mommy. Oh well, they will be ok. Good night, and pray that I find my way through this haze of anger.
Amber
A mother's love determines
A mother's love determines how
We love ourselves and others.
There is no sky we'll ever see
Not lit by that first love.
Stripped of love, the universe
Would drive us mad with pain;
But we are born into a world
That greets our cries with joy.
How much I owe you for the kiss
That told me who I was!
The greatest gift--a love of life--
Lay laughing in your eyes.
Because of you my world still has
The soft grace of your smile;
And every wind of fortune bears
The scent of your caress.
**Isn't that a nice poem? Gets you thinking about life in general. What your purpose is. I wish I had it in me to write in my blog everyday. But I don't. I don't want to bore all you special readers out there with the same thing everyday. My days are pretty boring, I wake up, take the kids to school, I come home get ready to work out, come home again, and sometimes babysit or clean house. Then get the kids from school, soccer practice and then dinner. Boring huh? Keeps me busy though.
I have been told that I have changed a lot in these past few months. They may be right. I mean I had some bad stuff happen. I got over it or learned to deal with it. I have met some outstanding people, and I have met some NOT outstanding people. I used to be the person that thought, "if I am part of a "mean" person's life that somehow, someway I could change that. I could get them to love or at least LIKE their life." Turns out, I am not so good at this. LOL. Turns out, by doing this I may not create drama, but it certainly surrounds me. Unfortunately a really nice person I knew got caught in my transitional stage and they were one of the first people that I kinda cut out of my life. I never cut people out of my life, so this is one of my flaws, or was. Now I am getting pretty good at cutting out the fat so to speak.
One thing I never thought I would hear myself say is this, "I lost 100 pounds!" Yup, me, I lost it. I cannot believe it. I don't know when I will ever get over this. It amazes me. Makes me want to cry. FINALLY, I am happy with me!! I am not saying that when I was bigger I wasn't better, I am saying, now I am not breathing hard, now I can actually sleep, now I don't sweat as much. Now I have A LOT of energy. Crazy what life brings to you huh?
School is good. I am getting pretty appropriate grades. I am not really good at writing formal papers without sounding like a stupid person, but I guess I will learn, eventually. LOL. I may be 28 years old, but darnit even old dogs can learn new tricks! LOL.
That is all for now. I hope to update again later!
Have a good one! And thanks for reading.
Amber
First week in school.... and I am freaking out. Turns out the class I was most excited about; I am not so excited about anymore. I do not know as much about building web pages as I thought. This frustrates me so much. I need to learn more. LOL guess that is why I am in class huh? Funny thing is, I sit here and think about how to begin a html code and I know how, I know what to use, where to find info if I need it. So why am I so scared? I dunno. Fear... I fear failure, I fear that it just won't be good enough. That happens!! I understand this.
Another thing going through my head is, I just want to throw in the towel, throw my hands up and say, "I GIVE UP! NO MORE!" But I cannot, I have loans, and I have already put in so much time and emotion. I want to see something I actually finish. I don't really finish a lot, like take for instance laundry. I will only have one load left to fold and then I will leave that in the dryer. Its a weird thing, I just don't understand about myself. I go running make it to 2 and a half miles and I will stop. WHY? When I can continue, and I don't have a problem with it, my body isn't fighting it. I am breathing fine, but I stop.
Funny how things in your life make you stop and say "hmmm". Gets you thinking. I mean I am just the same happy, and I am happy with my family, friends, and life in general. I get the times where I am a little frustrated, but what is life without the frustrations? To help you realize just how great everything really is. Problem I am having is getting past the frustrations. UGG.
My kids are on spring break. I love those guys they are so cute, and so smart. I love having them home. I love having them here. Right now they are at a friends house staying the night. I miss them. The house feels empty. I love being a Mom. I love being a part of their lives. I love that someday I get to see them as adults. And seeing (hopefully) how well I did at helping them grow up.
My husband is a great guy. He really is. He helps me clean, cook, and stay sane. I feel like I don't do enough for him. I have had to go to the docs alot latley. So I have been limited in doing things with him. Its sucks. I had something happen today that made me upset and he was trying so hard to help make me feel better. I want to get better at this wife thing. I want to help make everyone I love happy.
What to do? What to do?
Thats all for now, help me say some prayers to find my way.....have a good one and thanks for reading!
Amber
Its been another long while, and here I am.... update.... still in school, and still happy with my family and friends. I don't like how some things turned out with certain situations, but I understand that I can't always have things go smoothly, people won't understand everything. That is life.
My kids are in soccer, so I have to make sure that they are at their practices every day except Friday... keeps me busy. I work out in the mornings still. But due to me not getting enough sleep lately I have been so tired, and oversleeping. This has GOT TO CHANGE. I believe it is due to stress. So first thing is first, I need to stop stressing, lol.
Yesterday began my new term for school. I have English Comp II and Web Page Design. I got to say I am more excited about my web page design class than I am about the other. I am just not liking the fact that I have to write papers. I am lucky though, I have friends that will help me out with the papers, so I get a good grade. *mental note, go to classroom discussion board and write something*
I am looking forward to this Sunday Easter I want to make an attempt to go to church again, maybe start going every sunday again. I was much happier when I went to church.
I know something not cool with me.... I let people and situations get to me. Its like I forget all the other good things in my life. And all I concentrate on is the bad thing that is getting my attention. And the situation usually is not going get fixed or get better. No matter what I do.
Thus is life, I want to get better at this. Someday I will.....
Hope this finds you all having a great day! Wish me luck in getting some good sleep tonight!
Amber
There always comes a time in a person's life when they have to really think about what, or who they want to be, they have to realize what they have in their life, and what to be thankful for. I think I want to write out what my "things" are here just so I can get a good look at my life, and maybe be a little more thankful.
To start, I am married to a great guy, that for some reason finds me to be a hot item. He just can't stop hugging me and telling me he loves me, and how pretty he thinks I am. Granted, it was not ALWAYS like this, but things have gotten a lot better than before. He cooks, he cleans, and he babysits. I am a very lucky person. I need to show him more apprication.
I have 2 really good kids. They actually behave when I am not around! IMAGINE THAT! They are both so smart, and so cute. I know, I know, EVERYONE thinks this about their kids, but you know what? My kids have blonde hair, and blue eyes, and great smiles. I am thankful to have produced 2 people that I believe are better looking than me! LOL.
I am going to school, yup I am getting my education and learning stuff. I may complain that one of my teachers is a hard ass, but really I am very happy I am getting this opportunity to learn something new. When I am done I get to walk away with a degree and hopefully a better job future.
I have lost a lot of weight, God decided to let it work out to where I got the gastric bypass, and now, annnnnd now....... I am so energetic, happy, and excited at what the new day will bring. I couldn't be happier.
And finally my friends..... I have such great people in my life that TRULY care about my well being. They get mad when they see me do stupid shit, and then they call me out on it. And when I ask for advice, they give it whether it'll hurt my feelings or not. I never get to say this often, but now is a better time than any. Thank you, thank you for all that you have done, and giving me the opportunity to be in your life. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face, and laughing at my jokes even when they are corny. Thank you for answering the phone when I called you and cried cause I just could not get a good hand on my education or my sanity. Thank you for being a part of my life. I will always hold you all in my heart.
Well looks like I have a lot to be thankful for, maybe that is the reason for my eyes getting all watery right now. Being sentimental can be such a pain. But whatever...... my life is going pretty OK.
Thanks for reading.....
Amber
I don't understand people. I made a judgment on someone.... because I listened to someone else, yeah yeah I know STUPID ME!! Well, I apologized to this person over and over and over again. She said everything was all good. But then pointed out my mistake again in a blog. I am just so confused, one after another it seems I keep getting all this bad stuff put on me. I don't talk about any of my friends, or tell any ones business anymore. I just don't do it anymore. I hurt people when I did, so I stopped. Of course I had to have a lot of bad stuff happen to me before hand, but it seems that it is only human to only learn the lesson when things get super bad. And another thing, why do people have to continue to hate me when I don't even talk to them anymore, when I haven't even seen any of them for like 6 months. I don't bother them. Wow, I have been told a lot of seriously bad stuff, and none of it has got me to cry, but I am on the actual verge!! Why is this happening to me? I guess I am getting tired of being the butt of a joke, or the subject of conversation, especially when I have already made my apologies. Especially when I am told that all is forgiven. ESPECIALLY when I haven't bothered or been involved with any one of them, or that I haven't caused any problems for them. None of them know whats going on in my life, I don't know what is going on in their lives. I don't sit and talk about them.
This week has been bittersweet, I learned I lost 20 pounds so far after having been sick and in pain for 2 weeks, but to only be told some stuff that is upsetting. I don't know whether to be happy or sad right now.
It seems a person can never win, that even when you sit back and NOT talk about others, and NOT share their business with anyone that you can still get slapped in the face, and stabbed in the back. Before, a few months ago, I deserved it, I was being to arrogant, and malicious, I let things get to my head, so truthfully I needed to be taught a lesson, but right now, honestly I don't believe I deserve this.........
| You Are a Good Friend Because You're Accepting |
 No matter what a friend says or does, you try your best to understand it. And your friends feel like they can tell you anything. You don't judge. You know that friendship is a journey - with a lot of ups and downs. If you and a friend grow apart, you get over it quickly... and leave the potential for future friendship open. You tend to have many friends from many walks of life. Anyone you meet is could become a friend. In fact, you are especially interested in people who are a little different than you. Seeing life from another perspective is something you cherish. Your friends need you most when: They can't turn to anyone else with their secrets You really can't be friends with: Dogmatic, stubborn people Your friendship quote: "Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes." |
| You Are a Prophet Soul |
 You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone. Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
I haven't written in forever!! I have had so much goin on in my head, its like I have been on this journey. To be honest with you, I am still on this journey, the thoughts and emotions I am feeling are starting to get better. Baby steps I suppose. I had to let go of some things....... which hurt the most. I don't know where to go from here now. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down with the wind blowing like crazy.
I started school, awesome.... I am having a great time, only now I am feeling like I don't want to persue my dreams with school. I need to reconnect myself. I need to continue, push forward.....*sigh*
My surgery is coming up, and I can't wait. At the same time I am nervous. Wish me luck.
