Juggling my world...

A saying that I wanted to write down that I just did not want to forget... life can sometimes feel like you are following one thing in a circle in the snow.... just something to think about. I will write more later. Thank you Sandy for my thought.... lol

Amber

Today I went on base with my hubby, my fantastic kiddos, and my girlfriends awesome kids, we watched Home Alone, they kids got a kick outta it. I was giggling too, then we went to pizza and then back home, it was such a nice day!

Now my thoughts.....
I have been trying to find my christian heart that I lost touch with for a while. As you have read in my old posts. This journey that God has me on can get a little emotional from time to time, and TIME again. I am not good with emotions, I don't know how to break them down until I break down. I don't really know that I am stressing out, or that something is bothering me until someone points out that I am not myself. Then, when its pointed out I sit there and think, what is going on with me now?

I run away from myself alot. I am afraid of being by myself because of my thoughts. I am just too damn emotional. Perhaps that is why I like to have a lot on my plate?

I need to clean out my closet, so to speak, one thing I am going to keep is my volunteer thing with G.L.A.D. designing a web page, haha, which I have been avoiding as well. I am pathetic. I have my ideas, which I will be drawing out tomorrow on paper, then putting it together on my nifty laptop. Then when I give them my paperwork I will be getting administrative permission for the website, and then it is allllll mine!! Muh HA HA HA HA!! The world shall see my work!!! Its all apart of my evil plan to take over the internet!! *lightning crashes*

ahem...

Anyways, I have some medical issues going on. Which turns out bothers me more than I thought. I began to view myself as a nuisance, so stupidly I automatically thought EVERYONE else thought the same thing. I am just too damn hard on myself. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. My health conditions are NOT my fault, I need to get that in my head.

Anyone know anything about brain abscess besides the fact that it is a bad thing? What about effusions? Anyone?

So anyway Monday I get to do a tilt test, to test my heart and see just how bad I am about fainting. Its funny I would call someone like me a dumb ass. Always freaking fainting every time I stand up. *mumbles* dumb ass......

OK so I will be seeing a ENT specialist soon. Can you believe the receptionist accidentally cancelled my consult? So I had to call my doc and ask for them to put it back in the system so I can make my appointment. Which I have not made yet.

Well look out Sunday, cause here comes Amber, going to church again. I am loving this church thing.

Today was pretty ok. Went to church learned a few things here and there, went out to breakfast/lunch... it was pretty good.

My friend Tiffanie wanted to race tonight... yeah she won, my stupid thighs decided to do this cramping thing half way through the race... slowed me down!! So now I walk around like an old lady with arthritis in my knees!! HAHA! I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Other things going on in my head. Wish I could break them down a bit. Oh well.

Other than that nothing else to write.

-Amber

Yeah its been a few. I had to take a time out really. Deal with my health issues, and what not.

Things are going pretty OK. Life is pretty good. Can't complain I have a roof over my head, two working vehicles, food in my kitchen, really cool kids, a husband that loves me, and friends who love me. Life is pretty OK.

On the forgiving part. Yeah I have finally forgiven. Those that needed it, I forgave. Those that I should not have wasted my time on... I forgotten. With all this new, clean slates I don't know what to do with myself except sit around, do homework, and smile.

I have an echo on the 15th, I hate the fact that I have to drive so freakin far to get it. Annoyed.

We are getting orders to WA state. I am excited and happy about it, but sad cause I am going to be leaving some pretty cool ass people. Oh well there is always the internet right?

Well that is just the little update you are going to get, have a good one! And keep on smiling, gets people to wonder what you are smiling about.

Nite,
Amber

Just looking through quotes and I found that one above and this one right here. "We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn't matter." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

I did not really have a family growing up. So it takes a lot to find that one person that seems to understand you, even when you don't understand yourself. So finding someone right now that would be my friend no matter what, means a lot. Teaches me something about life. Teaches me that I am not alone in this world. That is comforting to me. My friends have been here to show me how to forgive. How to love, and how to just enjoy life.

Being on this journey of life has been a great eye opener for me. I am learning to be happy. Its so wonderful.

My husband is so great. He loves me. We have been together for almost 10 years, WOW! That is pretty good huh?

My kids are so awesome.

Letting go of things that hurt was scary, but now that I am doing it... turns out, its not so bad. Cleaning out my life, and avoiding situations makes life a little less crazy. Choosing who surrounds me and choosing who makes me happy gives a sense of control.

Well that is just a little idea of what is going on in my head. I have a ways to go, but darnit I am getting there.

-Amber

So I had an MRI done... I won't find out the results until 3-5 business days. I am kinda nervous, but then kinda not. They are looking for clots. I have the symptoms of clots, guess they don't want me having an aneurysm.

When things get serious, I think I might tell my family.

My days have been going pretty nicely, my husband has been home with me, I have my homework done, I made it to my class tonight, and learned about programming and looping. WOO HOO!! Nerdism here I come!!

Tomorrow I have plans to buy a pretty dress, with some pretty shoes, and some pretty earrings... its just going to be pretty. And then hopefully my husband and I can have a double date with a best friend and my big brother.....

Gonna leave you with a quote... "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit"

-Amber

Went to church today, it was pretty nice. Pastor talked about forgiveness... yeah that is something I just don't understand. What is my focus, how do I get my heart to just let go? I wrote a list of honest to God truth as to who I need to forgive, I have my step-mom, dad, mom, and three other people. I don't know what to do about this.


With my dad all I really want to hear him say is that he "fucked up" he should have kicked Claire out of his life the instant she put me in the hospital at the age of 5!! That is my daughters age, I cannot dream of ever hurting her like that!! If someone was to hurt her, I would do something I am not going to write down here to that person.


My step-mom, how do you forgive someone that almost killed you? Seriously?


My Mom, its hard to forgive her for hating me, or resenting me. For resenting the day I was born, because my father hurt her so badly, and I am a reminder of who he is.


The three other people, I cannot find in my heart of hearts to forgive them for the hurt they did to me, like I said before once I put into my head that someone is my friend, its like I just relinquish all my walls and trust the person, trust that if they ever have a problem with me, then I will be the one to know, not everyone else. Trust that they won't sit there and mock me or say mean things about me when I am not around. Trust that when I feel I am in a deep, dark hole with no flashlight or a way out and I reach out to them they will help me. They won't sit there and tell me I am a bad person for being depressed. They won't turn their back to me, when they are the only one I have. Trust that when I introduce them to a close friend of mine they won't try to get between me and that friend. Trust that even when they get new friends they won't forget about me.....


If you have not figured it out, these are just a few things that happened between myself and the other people.


And God wants me to forgive them? How? How do I do that? I want to be a better person, a person that doesn't hate and is not hurt by certain things that others did to me.


I need to also forgive myself... how?


Good Night....
Amber

Man I am tired of waiting for an email from my husband, this is getting ridiculous.


So I sit here, had a really good day, went to Target with my kids, and my friends kids, we had fun, afterward I took them for ice cream, they dug it. I got Heather her little cat ears for her costume. She is going to look so stinkin cute.


I am watching another friends kids, overnight, yeah I don't do this often, I really kinda hate babysitting, so when I offer then I must really like you, or really like your kids. I have like 7 kids sitting in my living room watching "Speed Racer" they were all quiet watching it, then all of a sudden CRAZINESS, I had to go in there and tell them I expected better of them all, and that I know they behave better than that. So far its quiet again. OK, just now I discovered, its my youngest of the group creating the havoc, its ok got it covered.


I talked to my aunt about some stuff today, just realized that I don't want to write what we talked about for fear that the wrong person might read this, but she told me a little about her side of the family, turns out I am a lot like them. Which is amazing considering I did not grow up with them at all. Guess there really is some truth in the whole Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


Anyway I gotta tend to my young peeps here, give them some love, and then sit with them all in the living room so that maybe they will actually behave better? We'll see. Good Night Internet World!!




*~Amber~*