Juggling my world...

Went to church today, it was pretty nice. Pastor talked about forgiveness... yeah that is something I just don't understand. What is my focus, how do I get my heart to just let go? I wrote a list of honest to God truth as to who I need to forgive, I have my step-mom, dad, mom, and three other people. I don't know what to do about this.


With my dad all I really want to hear him say is that he "fucked up" he should have kicked Claire out of his life the instant she put me in the hospital at the age of 5!! That is my daughters age, I cannot dream of ever hurting her like that!! If someone was to hurt her, I would do something I am not going to write down here to that person.


My step-mom, how do you forgive someone that almost killed you? Seriously?


My Mom, its hard to forgive her for hating me, or resenting me. For resenting the day I was born, because my father hurt her so badly, and I am a reminder of who he is.


The three other people, I cannot find in my heart of hearts to forgive them for the hurt they did to me, like I said before once I put into my head that someone is my friend, its like I just relinquish all my walls and trust the person, trust that if they ever have a problem with me, then I will be the one to know, not everyone else. Trust that they won't sit there and mock me or say mean things about me when I am not around. Trust that when I feel I am in a deep, dark hole with no flashlight or a way out and I reach out to them they will help me. They won't sit there and tell me I am a bad person for being depressed. They won't turn their back to me, when they are the only one I have. Trust that when I introduce them to a close friend of mine they won't try to get between me and that friend. Trust that even when they get new friends they won't forget about me.....


If you have not figured it out, these are just a few things that happened between myself and the other people.


And God wants me to forgive them? How? How do I do that? I want to be a better person, a person that doesn't hate and is not hurt by certain things that others did to me.


I need to also forgive myself... how?


Good Night....
Amber