Juggling my world...

So I had an MRI done... I won't find out the results until 3-5 business days. I am kinda nervous, but then kinda not. They are looking for clots. I have the symptoms of clots, guess they don't want me having an aneurysm.

When things get serious, I think I might tell my family.

My days have been going pretty nicely, my husband has been home with me, I have my homework done, I made it to my class tonight, and learned about programming and looping. WOO HOO!! Nerdism here I come!!

Tomorrow I have plans to buy a pretty dress, with some pretty shoes, and some pretty earrings... its just going to be pretty. And then hopefully my husband and I can have a double date with a best friend and my big brother.....

Gonna leave you with a quote... "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit"

-Amber

Went to church today, it was pretty nice. Pastor talked about forgiveness... yeah that is something I just don't understand. What is my focus, how do I get my heart to just let go? I wrote a list of honest to God truth as to who I need to forgive, I have my step-mom, dad, mom, and three other people. I don't know what to do about this.


With my dad all I really want to hear him say is that he "fucked up" he should have kicked Claire out of his life the instant she put me in the hospital at the age of 5!! That is my daughters age, I cannot dream of ever hurting her like that!! If someone was to hurt her, I would do something I am not going to write down here to that person.


My step-mom, how do you forgive someone that almost killed you? Seriously?


My Mom, its hard to forgive her for hating me, or resenting me. For resenting the day I was born, because my father hurt her so badly, and I am a reminder of who he is.


The three other people, I cannot find in my heart of hearts to forgive them for the hurt they did to me, like I said before once I put into my head that someone is my friend, its like I just relinquish all my walls and trust the person, trust that if they ever have a problem with me, then I will be the one to know, not everyone else. Trust that they won't sit there and mock me or say mean things about me when I am not around. Trust that when I feel I am in a deep, dark hole with no flashlight or a way out and I reach out to them they will help me. They won't sit there and tell me I am a bad person for being depressed. They won't turn their back to me, when they are the only one I have. Trust that when I introduce them to a close friend of mine they won't try to get between me and that friend. Trust that even when they get new friends they won't forget about me.....


If you have not figured it out, these are just a few things that happened between myself and the other people.


And God wants me to forgive them? How? How do I do that? I want to be a better person, a person that doesn't hate and is not hurt by certain things that others did to me.


I need to also forgive myself... how?


Good Night....
Amber

Man I am tired of waiting for an email from my husband, this is getting ridiculous.


So I sit here, had a really good day, went to Target with my kids, and my friends kids, we had fun, afterward I took them for ice cream, they dug it. I got Heather her little cat ears for her costume. She is going to look so stinkin cute.


I am watching another friends kids, overnight, yeah I don't do this often, I really kinda hate babysitting, so when I offer then I must really like you, or really like your kids. I have like 7 kids sitting in my living room watching "Speed Racer" they were all quiet watching it, then all of a sudden CRAZINESS, I had to go in there and tell them I expected better of them all, and that I know they behave better than that. So far its quiet again. OK, just now I discovered, its my youngest of the group creating the havoc, its ok got it covered.


I talked to my aunt about some stuff today, just realized that I don't want to write what we talked about for fear that the wrong person might read this, but she told me a little about her side of the family, turns out I am a lot like them. Which is amazing considering I did not grow up with them at all. Guess there really is some truth in the whole Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


Anyway I gotta tend to my young peeps here, give them some love, and then sit with them all in the living room so that maybe they will actually behave better? We'll see. Good Night Internet World!!




*~Amber~*

I am supposed to write 7 things you don't know about me... look out enemies, I will not write what I don't want the rest of the world to know!


1. I hate dirty windshields... I have this overwhelming feeling that if its dirty then the driver can't see so we are gonna have an accident.


2. I have fallen in love with Biscotti, I love dipping it in my hot coffee!! YUMMY


3. I don't like long finger nails on anyone, do you how much crap gets under there, AND remember where you scratch? Which brings me to #4


4. When someone is sitting there biting their nails, it ercks me, like nails on a chalkboard... ewww


5. It takes ALOT and I mean ALOT to make me dislike someone, so when I don't like someone, then its for a really good reason.


6. I actually pose for silly pics, they are not accidental pics. Yeah so I am weird, up yours.


7. I love being silly, absolutely love it! I will be serious if I have too, but being silly comes first. I love to smile and to make other people smile.


-Amber

Pretty good quote huh?


I am noticing something about myself each day that I write in this blog. My mind is at ease. In a way this is my meditation. Meditation is defined as: Meditation is a practice of concentrated focus upon a sound, object, visualization, the breath, movement, or attention itself in order to increase awareness of the present moment, reduce stress, promote relaxation, and enhance personal and spiritual growth.


I find that by concentrating on just what is going on around me, I am able to break it down, and focus my attention on the correct problems. It is helping me realize the moment. Where I am exactly in my life.


The unfortunate thing is I am becoming very aware of a lot of things around me that just don't seem right. I don't even know if I want to talk to anyone about these thoughts.


Who knows....


Enough of that blah, blah, blah.... I am excited I am finally keeping up with housework, and homework!! YAY ME!! I friggin rock. I deserve a glass of wine, oh wait here it is! LOL, yeah tonight I am gonna be drinking myself some yummy Riesling. Of course this will be after about an hour or two of reading for my homework. Hey, I gotta keep up the good work, I am feeling great! Tonight I made dinner at an appropriate time, for once. I don't know if I invented it, but since I did not have enough chicken I made chicken and turkey hotdog tacos. Yeah that's right, you know you want some! LOL, well even if you don't I don't care. My kids loved it.


As I write this I am listening to christian music. I am really liking a lot of this stuff, its mellowing me out.


Thanks for reading the ramblings of a confused chick.... trying to juggle life one day at a time.

-Amber

Today I went to work, it was pretty OK for the most part.

Which brings to mind the fact that I am going to church now. Yup, me, going to church. I liked the first lesson we were learning. He was telling us that we should not cast stones to anyone. We should not judge them. OK so I am guilty for this, I judge people when I know it is not my place. I am working to NOT do that anymore.

I try not to judge someone till after a full conversation. Then I make my decision if I want to pursue a friendship. I never did that before, before I would jump head on into a new friendship. I am still dealing with the consequences of that now. I made friends with people that, given the choice now, I would not be friends with. But in all consideration I put too much into being their friend I feel bad for wanting to cut them off.

The friends that I have acquired since my change are sooooooo freaking cool! They accept me even when I am a total asshole in general, of course they tell me I am being an asshole, but all in all they TRULY accept me for all that I am. The good, the bad (lots of that) and the ugly (can't help that, lol) I finally have the confidence in knowing that they don't talk shit about me, at all. I get emotional at the thought of them. I love them. They are my family.

ANYWAYS, enough of that shhhat, I wrote my husband an email asking him to refrain from sending me emails with a to-do list. I hope to hear from him soon. Only a short little tiny while more and I get to see him again. One of his emails he talks about how I may be spending a lot of time indoors when he gets back... lol.

OK so I am done, gonna finish this food, do some homework, I have till 9 to do, and then hanging with my girls.

*sigh* life can be so aggravating, but at the end of the day you get to sit back and enjoy a sunset with your family/friends.

To answer your question, today is actually pretty OK, aside the fact that I stayed home today to do housework and I am still contemplating what to do first.... I am pretty sad girl.

Aside from that, I was able to download a bunch of new songs. I am really liking the song, "hot and cold" by Katy Perry. "One step at a time" is pretty cool too by Jordan Sparks.

I am proud of myself for getting to the gym, I made myself do 30 minutes even though I was not feeling it, and I remembered to get my blood work done for the cardiology thing next week.

Getting email from my husband used to be fun, but now all he keeps writing to me is a "honey to do" list. I thought that was meant for the husbands? I am going to have to write him and tell him to stop. I don't know if he is trying to be encouraging, but he is not here so how is he to know that I am already stressed the heck out? When I write him email I try not to tell him negative stuff, he already has a lot on his mind, and I just want him to not be detracted so he can come home and then I can yell at him! LOL.

OK sooooo I guess I better get this whole cleaning thing done. FUN FUN. Maybe I should put on a pot of coffee.....

Later!
Amber

So far a lot has happened, again. Yeah, yeah I know I don't EVER write on here, but you know what? Life takes you for a ride, and sometimes you don't get the time to do things like this. Well, be proud, I found the time!

These past few months I have met some pretty freakin cool people, and then again these past few months I have met some people that seriously deserve to get kicked!

I started working at walgreens, I was all sorts of excited. The store was set to open in July, I got the job in June, and after a month.... I was one of the best damn photo specialist out there! The people that were at the store I was training at, were pretty cool. Well, its almost October, and the store has not opened yet.... yeah.....
so those people at the store who thought, I was only going to be there for a short time, well they are not so cool with me anymore. They are annoyed that I am still in their store, and annoyed with the other people that are from my store. They want their store back, they are tired of the fact that when they go in, they have nothing to do cause there is so many people there to do something that everything gets done before 2pm. I don't hate them for feeling this way, I feel the same. I want my OWN STORE, I am tired of being kicked out of the photo place. The very place that I was hired for! Now I get stuck searching the floors looking for something to do. Well with that problem came another. Driving. Having to drive 45 minutes there and back everyday was bad for me on gas. I had to fill the tank up like 2-3 times a week! I was getting help from my kingsland people with gas, but I felt bad for asking for money, which drove me crazy!

What did I do with my kids in the meantime? My friend who was kind enough to help me out with my kids, I felt like I was putting too much strain on our friendship cause of this damn job. I miss Mike. He is deployed so its like I am a single mom right now. This freakin sucks. Anyway so I talk to my boss, explain I cannot afford gas and stuff, and he tells me that I can start coming to work once a week until our store opens (if that ever happens!). Whew! Thank God!! I applyed for a sub job at the schools to be a lunch lady. I got the job of course, now lets see if they call.

I am still in school, but with all this stuff happening to me, all these thoughts running through my mind I cannot seem to keep this together. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to run away! This is not the answer of course. I cannot seem to keep it together enough to actually remember anything I am learning. I keep forgetting that I have a class on Tuesday nights. Then when I do the quiz.... I don't pass!! ARGH!! What the hell am I doing? Who the hell do I think I am? Dammit writing these words is making me want to cry, but since I am sitting outside with my friends (neighbors) I am trying to keep it together.

I get a letter from my husband telling me that he hopes I am keeping the housework up.... HAHA, I laugh, HAHA, that is hilarious!!! I can't keep my mind together what makes him think I can keep that together? What was I thinking when I got this job. It seems that I (once again) put too much on my plate. Way to go AMBER!

I think I need to go for a long run, just to figure all this stuff out. I wish I could stop pushing myself into guilty thoughts because I asked my friend to help me with my kids, and she said yes, but I feel like I am an asshole for asking. How do I get myself to stop thinking this way? Anyone? Anyone? Nope, no body? OK, well then guess I am on my own.

Thanks for reading and if you haven't left me, thanks too!

Amber (one crazy chick)